What is NLP?

This will be our final blog at blogger.com. From now on you can visit our website at nlptraining.com where future blogs will be published.

Rachel had the opportunity to present for the International Coach Federation (ICF) New York chapter in three venues in late September. She began with a live television show on Channel 56 with Terry Yoffe and discussed NLP. The very first question was, "What is NLP?" The next venue, two days later at a presentation to 60 members of the ICF-NY chapter and again answered the question, "What is NLP?" Lastly she was interviewed on the ICF coach radio show, and no surprise the first piece of discussion was, "What Is NLP?"

So what is NLP, really?* That is typically the question that most people ask when coming to a preview or during a presentation. Any verbal answer alone will not be a complete answer. Words are not experience; they are representations of experience, so whatever you read here is still only a representation, at best. This can be summed up in one of the NLP Basic Presuppositions; "The Map is Not the Territory." Any verbal or written description of NLP is just a digital representation of an experience, just as the menu is not the meal and that any map, google or otherwise, is a representation of the land that you will travel.

We will share our map of NLP with you. We hope that you will be intrigued and want to explore the territory.

Neuro Linguist Programming (NLP) is a communication system that is designed to influence thoughts, behaviors and feelings. We use our neurology to think and create our own reality. We use our language to express as well as to represent our thoughts. We are programmed, like a computer, with our hardware, yet we have a lot of software that can be changed and upgraded. And some of us have not upgraded in awhile.

When the developers were exploring these concepts the time period was 1975. At that time computers were large and not user friendly. Now 35 years later, thanks to people like Steve Jobs, our computers are part of our daily life. In the NLP system we are working with creating simple accessible tools to make fine adjustments in our neurology, language and programming to fulfill our potential. Our thoughts, movements and sensations can be reprogramming. They are patterns. By recognizing the patterns we have and identifying the patterns we prefer, we can begin to activate the inner resources necessary to make the changes in ourselves and facilitate these changes in others.

Another definition for NLP is that it is the study of our subjective experience. Our subjective experience is made up of our five senses; Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic Olfactory and Gustatory, what we see, what we hear, how we move, how we feel, smell and taste. In the NLP model we use Kinesthetic to embody not only sensations, but to describe actions as well as emotions. Each one of us will interpret and represent our reality based on our subjective experience. It is the job of the NLP Coach/Practitioner (Master Practitioner) to identify the uniqueness of our maps so we can "understand" and influence another person's reality as well as our own.

Some people attempt to change the world, while keeping their maps the same. We look at changing our maps, so that we can more effectively and profoundly influence the world. The skills and tools you will learn in our NLP Training will not only help get you to where you want to be, but will make your journey much more enjoyable and fun.

Our alternative definition is that NLP means "Now Let's Play" (copyright 2010).

The three live presentations; TV, radio and a gathering of ICF members, all went well. Overall the goal was to give listeners and participants a taste of NLP.

Unfortunately, many people have been "sold" the idea that you can learn NLP without actually being in the presence of and interacting with other human beings. If in the future, we find our selves living in a world where we no longer get to interact with people, then this idea may is fine. Until then, being part of a non-virtual community where you get to try on and practice new ways of thinking, feeling and moving in a safe and supportive environment and getting feedback along the way is essential.

That is what we provide.

Join us this month for a 2 Day "Introduction to NLP". You can either attend our Wednesday, October 11-12, 2011 (9 am-5 pm) NLP Intro or our Weekend, October 22-23, 2011 NLP Intro. If you want a full experience the next step is our NLP Coach Practitioner and Life Skills Certification Training starting on the same dates.

*Please note our full working definition for NLP and more will be in our upcoming book Hott Leeds on Getting NLP: Communicate Boldly, Live Fully. If you are interested in the book please e-mail us and we will notify you upon publication.

How to Build a Bad Relationship

We all enter into relationships with certain communication skills. Some will lead to healthy ways of relating that will be mutually satisfying and some not. Some will last a lifetime and some will lead to an early exit.

Most of the things we do, we do without actually knowing how we do them. We do them unconsciously.

If you are reading this blog, then you are probably someone who would like to improve your communication skills. But before describing how we can improve our relationships, I would like to start by describing ways that we harm relationships, others and ourselves.

This is a” how to” blog. How to destroy a potentially good relationship or maintain a bad one.

Rule 1: Blame the other person for the way you feel.

If you are upset, tell the other person that it is their fault that you are feeling bad. Never take responsibility and admit that you play some part in the interaction. Hold on to the bad feelings for as long as you can and see if you can make the other person feel guilty, so that you are not the only one feeling bad. See yourself as the victim.

If you are the person being blamed, feel guilty and blame them back.

Rule 2: Expect the other person to know what you need. And when it is clear that they have no idea, get enraged and start complaining and accusing them of not caring, because if they really cared they would know what you need without having to ask.

It is okay to communicate what you need, but only in bursts of anger. Then if the other person actually responds positively, do not let them off the hook. Tell them “If you loved me you would have given me what I wanted without me having to ask.”

If you happen to inadvertently communicate what you need directly and clearly and they do not respond the first time, do not tell them again. Think to yourself, “I shouldn’t have to tell them more than once.”

If you are the one being attacked, feel guilty and get defensive.

Rule 3: Attack and Exaggerate

Whenever the other person does something that you do not like, focus on “their” behavior and use words like always and never. For example, “You are always complaining” or “You never listen to me.” If they start to defend themselves, tell them, “You are always being defensive.” Avoid being specific and talking about your own feelings. Never say things like, “ I feel vulnerable” or “ I feel hurt.”

An even better alternative is to focus not on their behavior, but on their identity. For example, “You are an idiot” or “You are crazy.” A favorite is “You are being just like your mother/father.” In this way, you can eventually get to put down their whole family. If they try this on you, tell them they are "projecting".

Rule 4: Avoid getting criticized

If you think the other person is going to criticize you for something you have done, don’t tell them. Or make up some story. Protect yourself. Doing whatever you can do to postpone criticism (and feeling guilty). In order to do this, you must remember to believe that “Avoiding criticism is much better than being honest or trustworthy.”

Rule 5: Do not validate the other person

If you are having an argument, never validate the other person’s opinion. Make them wrong or just be silent, make faces and shake your head. Remember that only one of you is right. If the other person attempts to convince you that you both have legitimate points of view, tell them they are just saying that because they do not want to admit to being wrong.

Rule 6: Keep focusing on the problem, not the solution and remember that the other person “is” the problem.

Whenever you get in an argument, never focus on solutions. Focus on the problem. Bring up as many unresolved past situations as you can, times when they did something wrong, when it was their fault. Focus on who started it. (Which is always the other person). Making the other person wrong is always more important that finding a solution. Focus on the past, not on the future. And if you do focus on the future, imagine that nothing will change.

And of course, if they are bringing up all the things you have done wrong, that’s your cue to do the same.

Rule 7: Hope that problems will magically disappear

Never seek help. Seeking help is a sign of weakness. Never go to a psychotherapist, especially a psychotherapist with an NLP background. Do not ask others for advise and if they give it, always respond by saying, “Yes, but…” Tell them you have tried “everything.”

Rule 8: Do onto others what you are afraid they will do to you.

Whenever possible do it before they get the chance to do it to you. If they do it to you first, get even.

Rule 9 Assume Negative Intentions

If the other person does something that results in you feeling bad, assume that they intentionally made you feel bad and feel justified to hurt them back.


Rule 10: Keep Score

Keep track of how many times they have done something wrong, so you have ammunition for your next encounter. Most people can remember these things and have them ready when needed. If you do not trust your memory, keep a list. This way you are prepared when they point out one of your imperfections.

Rule 11: Avoid Feedback

Sometimes the other person will notice that you are both following one of the above rules and starts suggesting ways that you both can change for the positive. Do not listen. Avoid any feedback.

Rule 12: Never ever show that you are vulnerable. It is a sign of weakness. Protect and defend yourself at all costs. The best defense is a good offense. Offend, attack and withdraw. Remember, it is win or lose. There are no win-win scenarios.

Rule 13: If you realize that you are already following any of these rules, feel guilty. Feel very guilty and blame yourself. Imagine that it will never change. Do not think of alternative ways of relating. And if you do happen to think of some healthy ways of relating, do not attempt to implement them. Your relationship may suck, but it could get worse. At least it is familiar.

If you follow these rules you are assured a bad relationship. Perhaps you know of other rules that will work just as well.

Look to my future blogs for more ways to screw up a relationship. I invite you to come up with some yourself. I might even decide to write a blog with rules for building a healthy relationship.

Do Ask! Do Tell!

If you have attended as many personal development seminars over the years as I have or have been in the presence of someone who has, then you have probably heard someone say, "Don't assume. When you do, it makes an ass out of u and me (ass-u-me)." Catchy. It gets a lot of laughs. But wait.

Do you realize that the person making this statement is making quite a few assumptions, herself? She is probably assuming that you are interested in hearing what she has to say. Apparently, she thinks that it is important not to assume; that not assuming is better than assuming and that it is actually possible to follow the imperative, "Don't assume."

For me, the point is not whether or not we assume. What is important is becoming aware of the assumptions we are making. And taking the time to "check out" these assumptions.

Imagine someone telling you, "You are being selfish." What assumptions are they making? Even if you don't know, just assume you do.

Here are some "possibilities."
1. It is wrong or bad to be selfish.
2. That you should not be that way.
3. That only one of you is being selfish.
4. You are thinking "only" of yourself.
5. That you are not being sensitive to their needs.
6. There is different between being selfish and taking care of one's own needs.

Once you become aware of the assumptions you "suspect" that the person is making, you can either assume your assumptions are true or you can remain curious and check them out with some questions.

"Are you saying that, It is wrong or bad for us to focus on our own needs?"
"Are you saying that, I should not think of myself?"
"Are you actually asking me to focus a little more more on your needs?"
"And if you are, does that mean you are being a little selfish too?" (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Notice that the responses I am offering are in the form of a question, checking out my assumptions, rather than making an accusatory statement.

So rather than say, "Don't assume." I say, "Go ahead and assume," but stay curious. Become aware of your assumptions and check them out with a question. Do Ask!


On the other hand, accepting part of what a person is saying without agreeing to "all" of the underlying assumptions can be useful.

Take again the statement: "You are being selfish"

Instead of asking about the possible assumptions as I suggested in the previous example, you can instead say "Yes, I am focusing on my needs. And I am glad that you too are taking care of yourself by communicating with me. Now let's figure out how we can both get our needs met."

What I am doing here is deliberately inserting my own assumptions that will move the conversation and the relationship forward in a positive direction. I am reframing being selfish as something positive (taking care of oneself). I am saying that I am not the only one taking care of my needs. And I am shifting the conversation from "either/or" thinking to "both/and" thinking, suggesting that one can be both "self" and "other" oriented at the same time. So I "Do Tell", but only accept what is useful and change what is not.

Reframing is a central idea in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and shifting from "Either/or" thinking to "Both/and" thinking is a central theme in Ericksonian Hypnosis. The language patterns come from the NLP "sleight of mouth" patterns. These are some of the patterns that are taught in the training programs at The NLP Center of New York.

Why? Why? Why?

Why didn't you call me? Why did you do it" Why didn't you wait for me? (All accompanied by critical tones)

Do you ask these kinds of "why" questions? Why do you ask them? Take a moment and think about the kinds of responses you usually get. Are they satisfying? And if you are given an explanation, do you ever say, "Oh, now I understand"(not sarcastically) and move on. Probably not. We are rarely satisfied with an explanation of why they did or did not do it. So, why ask?

"Why" questions usually put the other person on the defensive. They require an explanation. They focus on the past or on something the other person did or didn't do, that they cannot redo. However, beneath the question is often a statement, "What you did hurt me" or "What you did was wrong."

When I am asked these questions, I usually do not answer them right away, having learned that whatever I say will usually not satisfy the person asking the question. So why answer a question that will not serve either of us. What I want to know is how my actions or inaction affected them, what they want "right now" and what they want "for the future."

I might respond by asking, "Why are you asking?" or "What do you need, right now?" while being "curious" about the actual purpose of the question being asked. That often gets at the statement "beneath" the question. It might be something like, "I am really angry that you did not tell me. I felt excluded," or " What you did hurt my feelings." This helps me to focus on the other person's feelings, instead of defending what I did or did not do. Usually the person is much more interested in having his or her feeling acknowledged than getting a detailed explanation of why I did what I did.

I also attempt to put myself in their position to learn more about their emotional response. If they were hurt or upset in some way, I will let them know that I now recognize how my actions affected them. That may be all that is necessary for the conversation and it ends comfortably.

Other times, the person may want something more, but is not directly telling me what they want. They may not even know themselves what they want. So I ask rather than "mind read" what they want. Once I determine what they really want, I may be able give them what they need. I also realize that it may not be something I can give them, like "self acceptance" or "self esteem" or "inner peace." Of course, many people have a difficult time expressing exactly what they want and would prefer if I just read their mind. Some people even have this belief. "If you loved me, you would know what I want without me having to tell you." When getting married 25 years ago, I made sure that this was not one my fiancee's beliefs. I'm actually a pretty good mind reader, but prefer a relationship where each person takes responsibility for expressing what he or she wants and encourages the other person to be direct.

More often that not, a person will ask for an apology. Have you ever offered an apology and the person is still not satisfied? Perhaps they even say, "I don't believe you really mean it."

When people ask "Why" questions, the person receiving the question often gets defensive. So instead of being responsive to the other person's feelings, they are reactive, feeling their own feelings which might be some combination of guilt, blame or shame. Even if they do offer an apology, it will come across as insincere since they are focusing on "their" feelings and not those of the person. They apologize in part because they don't want to feel bad. If the other person senses this, they might become angry because their feelings are still not being considered. Now we have two people whose feelings are not being considered.

Part of my job as a psychotherapist is to help couples consider each others feelings. This can be especially challenging when each person feels wounded. So if people would stop asking these damn "Why" questions and instead, were more forthcoming about what they wanted from other person, it would make my job a lot easier.

Perhaps this blog has raised more questions than it has answered. Hopefully they are "what" and "how" questions.

By the way, I do answer "why" questions. When the questioner is curious and actually interested in the answer, I answer.

Steven Leeds, MA. Licensed Mental Health Counselor is the co-director of The NLP Center of New York, certified NLP and hypnosis trainer, psychotherapist and hypnotherapist.

First Blog

Blogging, blogging, blogging.

"Everyone" is doing it. Or are they? Do you notice how "everyone" is distorting their reality "all the time" by using the word "everyone" or "everything" and they "never" stop? It's the same with "never", "all" or nobody".

"Nobody loves me" or "Everything is going wrong", or "You NEVER listen to me".

What can you do about it? Well, if you are one of those people who "occasionally" use these words, then consider who or what you are specifically talking about. Be specific. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me", try, "Right now, I do not feel listened to and would really appreciate it if you would put down what you are doing and make eye contact." Or instead of saying, "Everything sucks", you might try saying, "Getting up early on Sunday morning sucks", or "It sucks to be me"(this may only make sense if you saw Avenue Q or if you believe it). Depending upon how detailed you want to be and how much the other person cares to know, you can tell them, "how, specifically it sucks to be you." I recommend that if you plan on doing that it would be nice to also tell them what you "love" about being you. If you are not going to tell them that, then at least whisper it quietly to yourself, so that nobody else can hear.

On the other hand, if someone is using these words, see what you could do to get them to be more specific, like asking, "Everything?" or "No one?" or "Has there ever been a time when you didn't suck?" Or if someone accused you of "always" being distracted, admit that it does happen on occasion and ask if they have ever noticed when you are intensely focused? (and focus intensely on them as you say this). Either give them a counterexample or have them find one by themselves. If they cannot identify a time when you were paying attention, perhaps you can both agree to pay more attention to each other in the future or maybe agree to take a moment "right now" and give each other the kind of attention that each of you would like to receive.

This is just one pattern that is described in the Meta Model which is a part of the NLP Model.

Now all you have to do is practice this "all the time" with "everyone" and you will "never" have any communication problems:).

Steven Leeds

Co-director of The NLP Center of New York

nlptraining.com

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