If you have attended as many personal development seminars over the years as I have or have been in the presence of someone who has, then you have probably heard someone say, "Don't assume. When you do, it makes an ass out of u and me (ass-u-me)." Catchy. It gets a lot of laughs. But wait.
Do you realize that the person making this statement is making quite a few assumptions, herself? She is probably assuming that you are interested in hearing what she has to say. Apparently, she thinks that it is important not to assume; that not assuming is better than assuming and that it is actually possible to follow the imperative, "Don't assume."
For me, the point is not whether or not we assume. What is important is becoming aware of the assumptions we are making. And taking the time to "check out" these assumptions.
Imagine someone telling you, "You are being selfish." What assumptions are they making? Even if you don't know, just assume you do.
Here are some "possibilities."
1. It is wrong or bad to be selfish.
2. That you should not be that way.
3. That only one of you is being selfish.
4. You are thinking "only" of yourself.
5. That you are not being sensitive to their needs.
6. There is different between being selfish and taking care of one's own needs.
Once you become aware of the assumptions you "suspect" that the person is making, you can either assume your assumptions are true or you can remain curious and check them out with some questions.
"Are you saying that, It is wrong or bad for us to focus on our own needs?"
"Are you saying that, I should not think of myself?"
"Are you actually asking me to focus a little more more on your needs?"
"And if you are, does that mean you are being a little selfish too?" (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)
Notice that the responses I am offering are in the form of a question, checking out my assumptions, rather than making an accusatory statement.
So rather than say, "Don't assume." I say, "Go ahead and assume," but stay curious. Become aware of your assumptions and check them out with a question. Do Ask!
On the other hand, accepting part of what a person is saying without agreeing to "all" of the underlying assumptions can be useful.
Take again the statement: "You are being selfish"
Instead of asking about the possible assumptions as I suggested in the previous example, you can instead say "Yes, I am focusing on my needs. And I am glad that you too are taking care of yourself by communicating with me. Now let's figure out how we can both get our needs met."
What I am doing here is deliberately inserting my own assumptions that will move the conversation and the relationship forward in a positive direction. I am reframing being selfish as something positive (taking care of oneself). I am saying that I am not the only one taking care of my needs. And I am shifting the conversation from "either/or" thinking to "both/and" thinking, suggesting that one can be both "self" and "other" oriented at the same time. So I "Do Tell", but only accept what is useful and change what is not.
Reframing is a central idea in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and shifting from "Either/or" thinking to "Both/and" thinking is a central theme in Ericksonian Hypnosis. The language patterns come from the NLP "sleight of mouth" patterns. These are some of the patterns that are taught in the training programs at The NLP Center of New York.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Why? Why? Why?
Why didn't you call me? Why did you do it" Why didn't you wait for me? (All accompanied by critical tones)
Do you ask these kinds of "why" questions? Why do you ask them? Take a moment and think about the kinds of responses you usually get. Are they satisfying? And if you are given an explanation, do you ever say, "Oh, now I understand"(not sarcastically) and move on. Probably not. We are rarely satisfied with an explanation of why they did or did not do it. So, why ask?
"Why" questions usually put the other person on the defensive. They require an explanation. They focus on the past or on something the other person did or didn't do, that they cannot redo. However, beneath the question is often a statement, "What you did hurt me" or "What you did was wrong."
When I am asked these questions, I usually do not answer them right away, having learned that whatever I say will usually not satisfy the person asking the question. So why answer a question that will not serve either of us. What I want to know is how my actions or inaction affected them, what they want "right now" and what they want "for the future."
I might respond by asking, "Why are you asking?" or "What do you need, right now?" while being "curious" about the actual purpose of the question being asked. That often gets at the statement "beneath" the question. It might be something like, "I am really angry that you did not tell me. I felt excluded," or " What you did hurt my feelings." This helps me to focus on the other person's feelings, instead of defending what I did or did not do. Usually the person is much more interested in having his or her feeling acknowledged than getting a detailed explanation of why I did what I did.
I also attempt to put myself in their position to learn more about their emotional response. If they were hurt or upset in some way, I will let them know that I now recognize how my actions affected them. That may be all that is necessary for the conversation and it ends comfortably.
Other times, the person may want something more, but is not directly telling me what they want. They may not even know themselves what they want. So I ask rather than "mind read" what they want. Once I determine what they really want, I may be able give them what they need. I also realize that it may not be something I can give them, like "self acceptance" or "self esteem" or "inner peace." Of course, many people have a difficult time expressing exactly what they want and would prefer if I just read their mind. Some people even have this belief. "If you loved me, you would know what I want without me having to tell you." When getting married 25 years ago, I made sure that this was not one my fiancee's beliefs. I'm actually a pretty good mind reader, but prefer a relationship where each person takes responsibility for expressing what he or she wants and encourages the other person to be direct.
More often that not, a person will ask for an apology. Have you ever offered an apology and the person is still not satisfied? Perhaps they even say, "I don't believe you really mean it."
When people ask "Why" questions, the person receiving the question often gets defensive. So instead of being responsive to the other person's feelings, they are reactive, feeling their own feelings which might be some combination of guilt, blame or shame. Even if they do offer an apology, it will come across as insincere since they are focusing on "their" feelings and not those of the person. They apologize in part because they don't want to feel bad. If the other person senses this, they might become angry because their feelings are still not being considered. Now we have two people whose feelings are not being considered.
Part of my job as a psychotherapist is to help couples consider each others feelings. This can be especially challenging when each person feels wounded. So if people would stop asking these damn "Why" questions and instead, were more forthcoming about what they wanted from other person, it would make my job a lot easier.
Perhaps this blog has raised more questions than it has answered. Hopefully they are "what" and "how" questions.
By the way, I do answer "why" questions. When the questioner is curious and actually interested in the answer, I answer.
Steven Leeds, MA. Licensed Mental Health Counselor is the co-director of The NLP Center of New York, certified NLP and hypnosis trainer, psychotherapist and hypnotherapist.
Do you ask these kinds of "why" questions? Why do you ask them? Take a moment and think about the kinds of responses you usually get. Are they satisfying? And if you are given an explanation, do you ever say, "Oh, now I understand"(not sarcastically) and move on. Probably not. We are rarely satisfied with an explanation of why they did or did not do it. So, why ask?
"Why" questions usually put the other person on the defensive. They require an explanation. They focus on the past or on something the other person did or didn't do, that they cannot redo. However, beneath the question is often a statement, "What you did hurt me" or "What you did was wrong."
When I am asked these questions, I usually do not answer them right away, having learned that whatever I say will usually not satisfy the person asking the question. So why answer a question that will not serve either of us. What I want to know is how my actions or inaction affected them, what they want "right now" and what they want "for the future."
I might respond by asking, "Why are you asking?" or "What do you need, right now?" while being "curious" about the actual purpose of the question being asked. That often gets at the statement "beneath" the question. It might be something like, "I am really angry that you did not tell me. I felt excluded," or " What you did hurt my feelings." This helps me to focus on the other person's feelings, instead of defending what I did or did not do. Usually the person is much more interested in having his or her feeling acknowledged than getting a detailed explanation of why I did what I did.
I also attempt to put myself in their position to learn more about their emotional response. If they were hurt or upset in some way, I will let them know that I now recognize how my actions affected them. That may be all that is necessary for the conversation and it ends comfortably.
Other times, the person may want something more, but is not directly telling me what they want. They may not even know themselves what they want. So I ask rather than "mind read" what they want. Once I determine what they really want, I may be able give them what they need. I also realize that it may not be something I can give them, like "self acceptance" or "self esteem" or "inner peace." Of course, many people have a difficult time expressing exactly what they want and would prefer if I just read their mind. Some people even have this belief. "If you loved me, you would know what I want without me having to tell you." When getting married 25 years ago, I made sure that this was not one my fiancee's beliefs. I'm actually a pretty good mind reader, but prefer a relationship where each person takes responsibility for expressing what he or she wants and encourages the other person to be direct.
More often that not, a person will ask for an apology. Have you ever offered an apology and the person is still not satisfied? Perhaps they even say, "I don't believe you really mean it."
When people ask "Why" questions, the person receiving the question often gets defensive. So instead of being responsive to the other person's feelings, they are reactive, feeling their own feelings which might be some combination of guilt, blame or shame. Even if they do offer an apology, it will come across as insincere since they are focusing on "their" feelings and not those of the person. They apologize in part because they don't want to feel bad. If the other person senses this, they might become angry because their feelings are still not being considered. Now we have two people whose feelings are not being considered.
Part of my job as a psychotherapist is to help couples consider each others feelings. This can be especially challenging when each person feels wounded. So if people would stop asking these damn "Why" questions and instead, were more forthcoming about what they wanted from other person, it would make my job a lot easier.
Perhaps this blog has raised more questions than it has answered. Hopefully they are "what" and "how" questions.
By the way, I do answer "why" questions. When the questioner is curious and actually interested in the answer, I answer.
Steven Leeds, MA. Licensed Mental Health Counselor is the co-director of The NLP Center of New York, certified NLP and hypnosis trainer, psychotherapist and hypnotherapist.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
First Blog
Blogging, blogging, blogging.
"Everyone" is doing it. Or are they? Do you notice how "everyone" is distorting their reality "all the time" by using the word "everyone" or "everything" and they "never" stop? It's the same with "never", "all" or nobody".
"Nobody loves me" or "Everything is going wrong", or "You NEVER listen to me".
What can you do about it? Well, if you are one of those people who "occasionally" use these words, then consider who or what you are specifically talking about. Be specific. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me", try, "Right now, I do not feel listened to and would really appreciate it if you would put down what you are doing and make eye contact." Or instead of saying, "Everything sucks", you might try saying, "Getting up early on Sunday morning sucks", or "It sucks to be me"(this may only make sense if you saw Avenue Q or if you believe it). Depending upon how detailed you want to be and how much the other person cares to know, you can tell them, "how, specifically it sucks to be you." I recommend that if you plan on doing that it would be nice to also tell them what you "love" about being you. If you are not going to tell them that, then at least whisper it quietly to yourself, so that nobody else can hear.
On the other hand, if someone is using these words, see what you could do to get them to be more specific, like asking, "Everything?" or "No one?" or "Has there ever been a time when you didn't suck?" Or if someone accused you of "always" being distracted, admit that it does happen on occasion and ask if they have ever noticed when you are intensely focused? (and focus intensely on them as you say this). Either give them a counterexample or have them find one by themselves. If they cannot identify a time when you were paying attention, perhaps you can both agree to pay more attention to each other in the future or maybe agree to take a moment "right now" and give each other the kind of attention that each of you would like to receive.
This is just one pattern that is described in the Meta Model which is a part of the NLP Model.
Now all you have to do is practice this "all the time" with "everyone" and you will "never" have any communication problems:).
Steven Leeds
Co-director of The NLP Center of New York
nlptraining.com
online.nlptraining.com
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